


All I Want For Christmas Is You

by Thefanfictor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marauders' Era, Meet the Family, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-09-07 15:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thefanfictor/pseuds/Thefanfictor
Summary: "And that is when I came up with my brilliant idea!" Sirius said, beaming."Mm." Remus rested his chin in his hands and gazed down at him, a faint smile playing across his lips.  Not exactly the reaction he'd been hoping for.  "Remind me what that was, again?"Sirius huffed an exasperated sigh.  "You're going to be my fake boyfriend for winter holidays! My mum okayed it and everything!""Somehow I don't think this is what she had in mind."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I figured it was about time someone wrote something like this for them, so I decided to do it myself. I know it's a bit late for Christmas, but happy holidays anyway.

"Tell me again how you came up with this idea?" Remus asked from his seat in one of the Gryffindor common room's comfortable armchairs.  "Slower, please."

Sirius took a deep breath.  He'd sprinted all the way to Gryffindor tower from McGonagall's office (with one quick stop in the library), not even bothering to stop when Filch yelled at him for running in the halls.  He'd arrived, thoroughly winded, in the common room to find Remus calmly reading a book with  _no idea_ of the urgency of their current predicament.  "Right.  So, my parents sent me an owl yesterday telling me to attend their insufferable holiday gathering or they'd throw me onto the street."

"In those words?"

"Well, I'm paraphrasing a bit, but you get the idea.  Anyway, I wrote back telling them to fuck off-"

"Paraphrasing again, I assume?"

Sirius grinned.  "Right in one.  So I sent that reply, which they didn't seem to like much for some reason-"

"Can't imagine why."

"-and the next thing I know, McGonagall's sent someone to tell me my mum's just Flooed into her office and she expects me there in less than five seconds or there'll be hell to pay." Sirius paused to ruffle his fingers through his hair for dramatic effect.  "And Merlin help the soul who's late for my mum, so seeing as I'm far too young and beautiful to die, I head down there as fast as I can."

"Naturally."

"Naturally.  So we had ourselves a bit of an argument-"

"A bit?"

"Shush, you," Sirius said, swatting him on the shoulder.

"I'm just trying to clarify a few points," Remus said, with a wide-eyed expression that would've looked innocent to someone who knew him less well.

"Who's telling this story, you or me?" Sirius grumbled.

Remus leaned forward in his chair with a teasing smile.  "My sincerest apologies.  Do go on."

" _Thank_ you," Sirius said.  He paused again.  "Where was I?"

"You were having a bit of an argument," Remus prompted.

"Right.  Basically just the usual shit." As he spoke, Sirius counted off the parts of their argument on his fingers.  "A refusal from me, blatant disregard for what I've said from her, more resistance from me, threats to disown me from her, and a nice comparison to my brother to round it all off."

"She sounds like a real charmer, your mum," Remus said.  The look on his face was somewhere between surprised and disgusted.

"I know! Well, we weren't really getting through to each other, to say the least of it.  And  _that_ , ladies and gentlemen, is when I came up with my brilliant idea!" Sirius said, beaming.

"Mm." Remus rested his chin in his hands and gazed down at him, a faint smile playing across his lips.  Not exactly the response he'd been hoping for.  "Remind me what that was, again?"

Sirius huffed an exasperated sigh.  "You're going to be my fake boyfriend for winter holidays! My mum okayed it and everything."

"Somehow I don't think this is what she had in mind."

"You know what I mean," Sirius whined.  "Come on, please say you'll do it.  It's perfect.  What better way to annoy the shit out of all my relatives than to come home with you on my arm?"

Remus eyed him thoughtfully.  "You know, ordinarily I'd be insulted by that comment, but knowing what I do about your family-"

"A compliment of the highest proportions," Sirius assured him.  "So what do you say? Warning: if you refuse, I'll have to ask James or Peter, and I don't think anyone wants that."

"That would be a disaster," Remus agreed.  He hesitated.  "What about-"

"Your problem?" Sirius waved one hand dismissively.  "Don't worry, I checked the lunar chart for the month already.  Full moon won't happen until after we get back.  You'll be fine."

"Thanks," Remus said quietly.

They sat together in silence for a minute or two, Sirius carefully scrutinizing Remus' expression for any signs of weakness.

Finally, Remus sighed, tipping his head back to stare at the colorfully painted ceiling.  "I can't believe you're asking me to do this."

Sirius' voice caught in his throat.  He didn't dare say a word, not now, in the most delicate part of the process.  "But . . ."

"And only giving us a week to prepare," Remus continued.  "I love you, Sirius, but you have a shit sense of timing.  Honestly, I have to do all the work in this relationship."

Sirius sat up, anxiety quickly replaced by indignation.  "I just came up with this plan like ten bloody minutes ago!  _I_ think my timing was brilliant, all things considered."

Rolling his eyes, Remus turned away from him, but Sirius could see his mouth curve in a smile.  "Yeah, yeah.  But if we're doing this, we've got to  _really_ do this.  Which is why I need more  _time_."

"You won't be doing  _all_ the preparations," Sirius said.

"Yeah I will."

"Yeah, you will.  But only because you're so  _smart._ And good at  _planning_ , and all that shit I hate."

"Don't I know it," Remus said, smirking.  He rose from his chair and started toward the staircase.

"Where're you going?" Sirius called after him, perplexed.

"Another thing we're going to need," Remus said without looking over his shoulder.  " _Flash cards_."

Sirius groaned theatrically and collapsed into Remus' vacated armchair, one arm dangling over the edge of the cushion and the other covering his eyes.  "I changed my mind.  You're a terrible fake boyfriend."

"I'm simply devastated."

"I'll ask James to come home with me instead," Sirius threatened.

Remus just laughed.  "No you won't."

"No I won't."

Several minutes later, Remus returned with a stack of blank white cards, then took a seat on the floor of the common room, motioning for Sirius to join him.  Sirius rolled off the armchair and hit the rug with an "oomph".  Remus pointedly ignored this.

"Right," he said.  "So I think we've got to have a good cover story for when your family inevitably questions us about our so-called relationship, because this whole ruse is going to fall apart if we don't think it through."

Sirius blew a lock of hair out of his eyes grumpily but made no move to dispute the point.  "Fine.  What d'you have in mind?"

"Well, for starters . . ." Remus pulled a battered quill from the pocket of his robes and twirled it between his fingers.  "How long have we been together?" As he spoke, he scribbled the question onto the card at the top of the deck, then gave Sirius an expectant look.

"I don't know why you're looking at me to come up with this shit," Sirius grumbled, but thought it over all the same.  "Um . . . Got it.  You have been the luckiest man in Hogwarts for . . . let's say, five months, three weeks, and . . . two days by the first day of break."

"Yeah, that's pretty good," Remus said slowly as he jotted it down.  "That way you'll have actual cause to bring me to your family gathering; by this point we'll be committed."

"Oh, are we  _committed_ now?" Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows.  "Moony, I didn't know you felt that way."

"We've been dating for five bloody months, you sod," Remus grumbled.  "And stop doing that thing with your eyebrows, it's weird." When Sirius did not, Remus smacked his wrist with his stack of cards.

"Ow!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Sit up and pay attention."

Reluctantly, Sirius did as instructed, rubbing the back of his wrist.  "What's next, Professor?"

Remus ignored that remark as well and drew another blank card with a flourish.  "Who asked who out first?"

"I asked you out, obviously," Sirius said, now lying upside-down.  "Next."

"How'd you win me?"

"Rolled a 20 on seduction," Sirius said promptly.

Remus rolled his eyes, but wrote it down nonetheless.  "What was our first date?"

Sirius thought about that for a bit.  "We, uh . . . we went down to the lake and antagonized the giant squid for a while because . . . nothing's more romantic than doing stupid things for no reason? Finally, it got so fed up with our antics that it, um . . . it grabbed you with its great tentacles and - quit smirking, it could happen!"

As Remus had never seen the giant squid do more than flick water droplets at people who were bothering it, he was having a hard time keeping a straight face.  "Sorry, sorry.  Please, continue."

" _Hmmph_ ," Sirius said with an irritated flounce.  "So, the  _extremely pissed-off giant squid_ seized you in its  _tentacles of death_ \- stop it!"

Remus was doubled over laughing now.

" _Anyway_ ," Sirius fought to continue over the sound of his newly-minted fake boyfriend's laughter, "Since you were one of its tormentors, the squid opted to let out some aggression by trying to  _squeeze you to death_ , and as we'd just gotten together, declared our feelings, blah blah et cetera, I wasn't about to let my beloved die at the hands of the vicious - shut  _up_ \- the  _vicious squid_.  And with a bit of tricky charmwork by yours truly, you were back safe and sound in my arms.  The vanquished beast sinks back into the depths, we make out a bit, happy ending for everyone." He paused.  "Except the squid."

"Brilliant," Remus managed through tears.  "Absolutely fucking fantastic.  That'll be one for the history books, that will."

"Damn right," Sirius agreed.  "Lot better than whatever the hell Binns is trying to teach us."

"Your genius will be remembered throughout the ages - come off it, Sirius, do you really think anyone will buy that?"

"Doesn't matter.  They can either believe it or keep asking, and if they keep asking, we can always make up something else."

"We  _are_ good at making things up."

"Exactly!"

Remus chuckled and bent over his newest card, mumbling as he wrote: "Messed - with - squid - attacked - rescued - by - boyfriend - snogging." He looked up.  "How's that?"

"Sounds fine to me."

"Great." Remus blew the ink dry, then reached for a new card.  "Um . . . oh, here's a good one: What do we do as a couple?"

"Dunno.  Mess around, I guess.  Go into Hogsmeade, maybe?"

"Yeah - once a month," Remus deadpanned.

Sirius blinked.  Then, it was his turn to burst out laughing.  "Moony, I've changed my mind again.  You're officially the best fake boyfriend ever."

Putting a hand to his chest, Remus took on a look of mock surprise.  "Sirius!"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing." Remus' expression turned to one of carefully crafted innocence.  "I just think a declaration like that should come with flowers, at least . . ."

Sirius shoved his shoulder, but grinned anyway.  "Ungrateful little shit.  There's no complimenting some people, I swear."

"Well, if you're going to be like that, it doesn't  _have_ to be flowers.  I'd settle for a box of chocolates, for instance."

This time, Sirius shoved him in the chest and he fell backward, long limbs windmilling in a futile attempt to stay upright.  When he fell, one of his hands knocked over the stack of notes, sending white flash cards spiraling in every direction like snowflakes.  Droplets of spilled ink speckled everything in a two-meter radius.  "Buy your own damn chocolate!"

"I will, thank you!"

"You're welcome!"

It was at that moment that the portrait covering the entrance to the Gryffindor common room swung open and James Potter and Peter Pettigrew stepped inside.  "Hey, what-"

The words died as James took in the scene: Sirius and Remus glaring at each other on the floor right next to a pair of perfectly serviceable armchairs, the space between them a mess of scattered note cards, some of which were covered in Remus' neat handwriting.  James stared, opened his mouth to say something, gave up, and stared some more.  At last, he spoke.

"What the  _hell_ is going on?"

Both Sirius and Remus jumped.  Remus' foot nudged his inkwell, which trembled dangerously.

Sirius recovered first.  "Oh! Hullo, James! Remus and I are having a bit of an argument.  I need you to back me up."

James raised his eyebrows.  "I'm going to need a bit more to go on than that."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look that made James both apprehensive and annoyed.  "You might want to sit down," Remus said.

By the time they'd finished explaining, James' jaw was hanging open so wide Sirius wondered briefly if he might be able to fit a Snitch inside it.  Peter kept throwing quick, nervous glances James' way, as if worried he might faint.

"So what do you think?" Remus asked.  He was doing his best to keep his expression neutral, but a shit-eating grin kept creeping in at the edges.

James cleared his throat, blinking incredulously.  "Are you fucking serious?"

Remus couldn't suppress the grin any longer.  "Well, for the duration of winter break-"

"Oh, just shut up," James said as Sirius and Peter burst into cackles.  "No, actually, don't shut up, tell me how this psychotic brainchild of yours came into being."

Eyeing the other two, Remus' face took on a mixture of amusement and disdain.  "Sirius, do you want to tell him or should I?"

Sirius sat up.  "Alright.  Well, you see James, it happened like this . . ."

James listened with remarkable patience as Sirius told the story, Remus jumping in to clarify at key points.  "Okay," he said slowly once they'd concluded.  "Okay.  Right.  You're still insane, of course, but now I know where you're coming from.  What I don't understand, though, is why you couldn't have picked  _me_ to be your fake boyfriend!"

"It's nothing  _personal_ ," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.  "God, you're so dramatic."

At those words, Remus broke into a sudden, violent coughing fit.  Looking alarmed, Peter patted him gingerly on the back, but Sirius just scowled and tried his best to ignore him.  He really needed to talk to Remus about not mocking him when he was in the middle of a big speech.

"Anyway," Sirius said, elbowing Remus in the ribs to shut him up.  "You know I love you, Prongs, but you just don't have the subtlety required for this sort of thing."

James gasped in exaggerated offense, one hand clutching at his heart.  "And Moony  _does_?"

"Moony doesn't have a giant soppy crush on Lily Evans," Sirius explained.  "Or anyone else.  You'd never make a convincing fake boyfriend; you're too busy fawning over  _her_.  But Moony's single."

" _I'm_ single!" James protested.  He frowned.  "Unfortunately."

Sirius gave him a consoling clap on the shoulder.  "Cheer up, mate.  Evans'll come around eventually." When James continued to look gloomy, Sirius' patience wore thin.  "Alright, you've had your moment of mourning.  Now, back to me."

Remus, who had just recovered from his first coughing fit, looked to be on the verge of another.  "So kind of the great Sirius Black to allow the insignificant mortals a few moments of his precious time."

"Shut it, you," Sirius growled, poking him on the side of the head.  "I  _said_ back to me."

"Terribly sorry."

Giving Remus another poke for good measure, Sirius cleared his throat loudly.  "So now that Moony and I are fake boyfriends, and everything's clear with my mum mostly, and you guys know what's up - do you think it'll work?" He looked from James to Peter with a hopeful expression.

James laughed.  "Aw, don't give us the big puppy eyes, Pads.  Don't you want unbiased feedback?"

"No, I want you to say it'll work."

"Fine.  I think it'll work.  Happy?"

The smile Sirius gave him was the same one he'd shown McGonagall when she asked where his Transfiguration homework was the day before.  "Very." His gaze shifted sideways.  "Well . . ."

Peter made a slight squeaking noise.  All eyes were on him, and he shifted uncomfortably under their scrutiny.  "I don't know," he said defensively.  "I mean, you already act like a couple most of the time, so . . ."

Both Sirius and Remus denied this loudly and vehemently while James collapsed into hysterics.  "It's true, you know," he managed between gasping breaths.

"Is not," Remus said.  "We don't act like a couple! That's ridiculous.  I'm  _not_ Sirius' boyfriend."

"Just what are you saying?" Sirius demanded.  "Are you insinuating that I'm not good enough for you?"

Remus threw a flash card at him.  He ducked, and it hit Peter in the eye.  " _No_ , you moron.  I'm  _saying_ we're not a couple."

Scowling, Sirius crossed his arms.  "Well, we won't get very far with this at my folks' place if you keep talking like  _that_."

Remus heaved a deep sigh.  "Fine.  How's this?" He scooted closer, grabbing Sirius' hand and twining their fingers together.  Taking a deep breath, he tipped his head to the side and gave Sirius a look that to the untrained eye might have been mistaken for besotted.  "Dearest darlingest Padfoot, you're the best boyfriend in the world and I love you with all my heart and also we are definitely very much a couple, definitely?"

They were nearly nose-to-nose at this point, and Sirius found he had to blink and swallow a bit before he could speak.

"Very good," he said, clearing his throat.  "But don't call me Padfoot in front of the relatives; I think that would take a bit more explaining than we want to deal with."

"What, don't you think we should have sappy nicknames for each other?" Remus asked.  His amber eyes had a mischievous glint to them that usually meant something was about to explode.

Sirius scrunched up his face.  "Maybe.  But if we're doing that, we should pick something else."

"Well, we can always just make it up," Remus said cheerfully, giving Sirius' hand a quick squeeze.  Sirius' heart gave a slight jump, as if it too was being constricted.

The sound of a throat clearing behind them made them both flinch for the second time, and the pair simultaneously remembered that there were other people in the room.  Turning, Sirius and Remus rolled their eyes in unison.

James sat, legs crossed, with his eyes closed and hands covering Peter's face.  For his part, Peter sat there obediently, his own hands folded neatly in his lap.  "I'll stop when you two stop being disgusting," James said without even looking at them.

" _We're not even a couple_ ," Remus said.  He released Sirius' hand.  Sirius frowned.

"Whatever you say," James said.

"Besides, you'll be a million times worse when you and Evans get together," Sirius added, partially to needle him and partially to cheer him up.

Sure enough, James brightened immediately.  "You really think so?"

"Of course," Sirius said.  "Unlike with us, you'll have actual romance on your side."

Remus swatted him, but James looked thoughtful.  "Yeah! Although she's less of an idiot than you are, so it kind of cancels out . . ."

"Prick," Sirius said, giving James a shove.  "At least I'm not as much of an idiot as  _you_."

***

The last day of term before winter break saw a dramatic increase in anxiety for both Sirius and Remus, though James and Peter were affected just by proximity.  Anyone who so much as spoke to Sirius stood a nonzero chance of being snapped at, and Remus had taken to making Sirius quiz him on random bits of invented trivia, which did nothing to help either of their nerves.

"Sirius, move out of the way, you've got some of my things in - oh,  _accio_!" Remus said, jabbing his wand irritably at a tangle of clothes sitting at the foot of Sirius' bed.  A pair of gray robes flew across the room and landed neatly in Remus' trunk.  "Now, ask me more questions.  The flash cards are . . ." His gaze swept the room, but didn't find its target.  "Well, I'm sure they're around here somewhere."

Sirius scowled, sweeping a mess of quills and crumpled pieces of blank parchment off his desk.  "What for? You already know all this shit; we went over it like five times yesterday.  We'll be _fine_."

"Ask me again." Remus shut the lid of his trunk and gave Sirius an expectant look.

Damn.  Resigned, Sirius opened his mouth to answer, but James' voice ran out sharply from where he perched atop his own bed.  " _Will you two cut it out_ ?!  _I'm_ freaking out at this point!"

"I second that," Peter said as he rooted through his drawers for any items he might have forgotten.  "You two need to chill."

"You're just jealous because you're not a part of our awesome plan," Sirius said,extending his middle finger in their general direction before addressing Remus.  "I'll test you on the train, how's that sound?"

"Maybe, although I'll have to be patrolling the train for a while, prefect duties, you know," Remus said distractedly, wringing his hands.  "I guess I might - oh god, Sirius, I just realized: I don't have dress robes!"

"What?" Sirius stared at him.  "Dress robes won't be a problem, you goose.  Just borrow some of mine; I'm sure I've got plenty lying around at home."

"Right." Remus nodded once, then nodded again.  "Right, thanks.   _Wingardium Leviosa_ !"

His trunk lifted off the ground and floated along beside him as he sprinted down the stairs.  The rest of the Gryffindor boys followed him out.

The train ride back to London was as uneventful as a train ride could be in the company of the Marauders.  James bought them all a generous amount of sweets before Remus left to patrol the train, then spent the rest of his time doing increasingly dumb things for the others' amusement.  Peter alternated between reading a book and watching James do said dumb things, but Sirius was too distracted to be entertained.

"Come on, that one was pretty good, right?" James demanded after his latest bout of tomfoolery, looking irritated.  He'd levitated a pack of Exploding Snap cards and organized them into multiple interesting patterns before the whole thing blew up in his face - literally.  His eyebrows had been singed in the blast.

"Wonderful," Sirius said absentmindedly, eyes firmly fixed on the door of their compartment.  Peter clapped.

James flopped down on the floor with a disgusted sigh, smoke curling off his face.  "I'm unappreciated in my time."

Before Sirius could respond, the compartment door finally slid open, revealing Remus standing outside with the look of a man who had aged three hundred years in the last hour and a half.  He took one step, then collapsed onto the bench beside Sirius.

"Bad time at work?" Sirius inquired innocently.

"The worst," Remus said into the arm he'd thrown across his face.  "Some stupid first years were fucking around outside their compartments and they got very cheeky with me when I told them to cut it out.  Of course, Lily was livid, which was pretty fun to watch."

James sat up so fast his glasses fell off.  "Oh, that's right! I forgot you were with Evans.  How'd it go? She mention me?"

"Yes," Remus deadpanned.  "We talked about you the whole time." He turned to Sirius.  "Now, quiz me on our love life again."

Sirius pulled a face.  "I was hoping you'd forget about that."

"So was I," James said.  He'd retrieved his glasses and they now sat crookedly on his nose.  "Honestly, can you two talk about something else for five bloody minutes?"

"Go bother Evans," Sirius said, earning a snort from Remus.  "Let's see . . . give me the flash cards."

They went back and forth on couple trivia for a while, with James and Peter occasionally chiming in for kicks or exclaiming in disgust when they brought up any particularly brazen made-up stories about romantic things they'd supposedly done together.  Remus told them to shut the fuck up with a smile that make Sirius' heart a bit fluttery.  Meanwhile, the scenery gradually changed from bleak, snowy countryside studded with dead trees to buildings and the fringes of the city, which was no less depressing.

"Oh, look," Sirius said, interrupting an argument between Remus and James that consisted mostly of furious hand gestures.  "I think we're pulling into the station."

"How about that," Remus said.  His demeanor changed instantly: his shoulders were thrown back, spine suddenly stiff as a board, his annoyed expression overwritten with one of careful neutrality.  He looked almost tense.

A little off-balance, Sirius tried to lighten things up.  "Not nervous, are you?" Even to him, his voice sounded weak.

"Of course not," Remus assured him, fingers drumming restlessly on the windowsill.  "Let's just think of it as a test run of our performance."

"You make an excellent point." Sirius stood, brushing bits of chocolate off his robes, and offered Remus his arm.  "Shall we?"

Remus ignored it, instead walking to the compartment door and sliding it open.  "After you."

"What a gentleman.  Thanks." Hoisting his trunk out of the luggage rack, Sirius headed into the mouth of the beast.

As it turned out, a small welcoming committee had assembled on the platform to greet them.  At the forefront of the group stood Sirius' mother, looking displeased (as usual) in a set of high-necked black robes, and behind her, a duo of women whom Sirius recognized the second he laid eyes on them.

"Would you look at that," Sirius whispered to Remus as they approached.  "Your first chance to test your knowledge of my relatives.  Ah, hello, Mother!"

"Sirius," Walburga returned, zero warmth in her tone.  She'd pinned her black hair into a sleek knot at the top of her head, adding another three inches to her already considerable height.  Her red lips, pursed in a tight line, stood out harshly against her pale skin.  "Your father would have come, but he has to keep an eye on the guests while we're away.  Where's your brother?"

"Lovely to see you too," Sirius muttered.  "Haven't seen him.  I'm sure he's around here somewhere.  Speaking of which, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Remus Lupin!" He held out his arms in a ta-da gesture.

Remus stepped forward, smiling politely with that familiar sparkle in his eyes.  "Wonderful to meet you at last, Mrs. Black.  It's a true privilege to be seeing your son." He made a slight bow, and Sirius had to fight laughter.

One of Walburga's perfectly sculpted eyebrows rose as she looked Remus up and down, taking in his patched, ill-fitting robes, his messy brown hair, and the pair of long, white scars slashed across his face.  Instead of replying to Remus directly, she addressed her next question to Sirius.  " _This_ is your . . . date?"

"Sure is," Sirius said proudly.  In a sudden burst of inspiration, he reached out and grabbed Remus' hand, casually lacing their fingers together.  When he did, something sparked between them, as if he'd gotten a static shock.  He flinched, and Remus gave him a quizzical look.  Sirius smiled back in a way that hopefully said, "I'm fine.  Everything's fine."

Walburga started to say something, but before she could, someone else spoke up behind them.  "Hello, Mother! Sorry I'm late, there was a spot of trouble on the train - Sirius?"

Sirius turned (releasing Remus' hand in the process), not bothering to disguise his groan at the sight of his younger brother.  "Regulus! I was wondering when you'd show up, and Mother was worrying.  How are you? By the way, this is my lovely boyfriend, Remus.  Have you two met?"

Remus stuck out his now-free hand in Regulus' direction.  "Charmed."

Several seconds went by, during which Regulus stared at them both like he had good reason to believe they were insane (Sirius tried and failed not to feel offended by that).  Eventually, Regulus refocused on their mother, ignoring Sirius and Remus entirely (Sirius didn't even try that time).

"Sorry I'm late, Mother," Regulus said again.  "Shall we go?"

Walburga nodded.  "I'll take you home by Side-Along Apparition.  Sirius, you and your . . . guest can go with Narcissa and Andromeda."

"Oh, is darling cousin Bella not here?" Sirius asked, feigning surprise.  "I thought I missed her lovely visage."

His mother either didn't notice the sarcasm in his voice or chose to overlook it.  "No, she and Rodolphus were delayed in their departure.  They'll arrive at the manor this evening."

"Shame," Sirius said.  "I was  _so_ looking forward to seeing her again."

Walburga said nothing to this, only looped her arm through that of her younger son and Disapparated.  Regulus had just enough time to shoot Sirius a smug look before he vanished.

"Self-important little git," Sirius growled.  "I'd almost forgotten how much I can't stand him.  Alright, Remus, why don't you tag along with Andromeda, and then Cissy and I can have some quality time?"

Narcissa, dressed in green robes lavished with black lace, rolled her eyes.  "It's nice to know you haven't changed." If memory served, she'd recently turned nineteen, but looked older.  She wore her blond hair up with nary a hair out of place and she'd put on impeccable cosmetics.  She looked him over and wrinkled her nose.

Blowing her a kiss, Sirius decided to push his luck a little.  "And you're as wonderful as ever.  Where's your boyfriend? I thought you would've brought him along; everyone knows you're practically engaged."

"Lucius has better things to do than make the journey here to hang around teenagers," Narcissa said coldly.  "I wouldn't have come myself, but your mother insisted."

Apparently his luck hadn't gotten him very far.  Sirius turned to the woman in gray beside Narcissa to ask her his next question.  "Andromeda, are you alright with taking Remus?"

"Of course," Andromeda said with one of her smiles that always reminded Sirius of Remus' mum.  Her thick brown curls looked windswept and her cheeks were rosy, as well as the tip of her nose, though Sirius knew she likely hadn't spent much time outdoors that day.  Standing next to Narcissa, she looked plainer and less elegant, but also a good deal less severe.  "I suppose you'll want to show him around the house?"

" _Obviously_ ," Sirius said with as much indignation as he could muster when talking to Andromeda.  "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't?"

Andromeda laughed.  "Fair enough.  How long have you two been together, exactly?"

"Five months, three weeks," Remus said, sounding so not-rehearsed Sirius almost forgave him for the ridiculous amounts of studying he'd put them through.  Almost.

"And two days," Sirius added when Andromeda looked to him for confirmation.  "James hates it when we talk about how long we've been together, so we started keeping a calendar to annoy him."

Remus and Andromeda both snorted at the same time, though Narcissa remained unamused.  "That's - wow," Andromeda managed.  "Who is James?"

"A very dear friend of ours," Sirius said.  "We love him."

"Okay," Andromeda said.  She was still smiling, which made her eyes look especially bright.  "You can fill me in back at the manor." With that, she grabbed Remus' hand, Disapparating with a pleasant  _pop_.

Sirius offered Narcissa his arm.  "Shall we?"

She just looked down her nose at him (she seemed to get better at it every year) and wrapped her pale fingers around his forearm.  Sirius braced himself, but the sensation of Apparation still caught him off-guard, so claustrophobic and painful he wanted to rip his own skin off.

They appeared in the front hall of Number 12 Grimmauld Place.  Instantly, the weight of all the memories Sirius had of growing in this dark, oppressive ruin settled over his shoulders like a lead blanket.  Even the air had somehow turned colder.

As soon as it became clear they'd reached their destination, Narcissa released Sirius' arm like it was a hot poker and rushed further down the hall to talk to the numerous other family members assembled there.  Sirius caught a glimpse of her making conversation with her boyfriend, a blond guy he recalled seeing around Hogwarts and Grimmauld Place on multiple occasions.  He scowled at them and turned away, his gaze snagging on Remus and Andromeda standing a little further away.    

Remus appeared to be talking with Andromeda about their "relationship" and Sirius, heart quickening, made a beeline toward them.  A conversation with Remus seemed like the perfect distraction to take his mind off the memories piling up in his brain.  Fortunately, he stopped just short of a mistletoe branch hanging from the ceiling.  That could've gotten awkward fast.

"So, what do you think of the ancestral home?" Sirius asked, nudging Remus in the ribs to get his attention.  "It's a bit drafty, but my parents always were old-fashioned."

"Yes, I can see that," Remus said, eyeing the moldering tapestries that adorned the walls.  "Gotta say, I don't think much of your family's taste in decoration.  Is your house meant to have this many cursed artifacts lying around?"

"Actually, no," Sirius said, examining the hall with an appraising eye.  "They must've cleaned up a bit for the holidays; there's usually more."

"Huh." Remus walked over to examine an ornate painting of the Black family crest in a gilded frame.  "Why's everything got 'Toujours Pur' written on it?" He snapped his fingers.  "Oh, no, wait, you told me this - your family motto, right?"

Sirius pantomimed wild applause.  "As if there aren't enough dark objects in this place, my mum's thinking of getting a portrait installed over there.  It'd be enchanted so she could watch over the house forever, screaming insults at anyone she deems unworthy to be inside it."

"You mean, like me?" Remus asked dryly.

"Oh, hush," Sirius replied.  He took a step toward Andromeda and stage-whispered: "He's nervous."

Biting her lip, Andromeda attempted to stifle a laugh with limited success while Remus glared at them.  "Don't be nervous," Andromeda said at last.  "You'll be fine.  Besides, my aunt doesn't like anybody.  Sorry, Sirius," she added.

"What for? It's the truth.  Want to go pay our respects?" For the second time that day, Sirius offered Remus his arm.

Remus hesitated, then surprised him by taking it.  "That sounds like a wonderful idea."

***

As they made the rounds among Sirius' relatives, Remus was especially glad he'd insisted on coming up with a good cover story.  All the Blacks seemed to have perfected the art of being the nosiest human beings on the planet while maintaining the pretense that they couldn't possibly care less about what they were hearing.

Also, the more members of Sirius' family Remus met, the more he could see elements of them in his best friend.  Sirius had the same way of looking haughtily indifferent as Narcissa ("She gets it from Bellatrix," Andromeda said, leaning over to whisper in his ear), and the same sharp precision in his movements as Walburga.  His chin jutted fiercely in the same stubborn way Orion's did.  The finely-sculpted features and thick, glossy hair on which Sirius so prided himself seemed to be a shared trait as well, along with those intense eyes Remus sometimes couldn't look directly into.

"Remind me of your surname, again?" Asked an older, portly uncle of Sirius' with the same ability to delicately raise one eyebrow.

"Lupin, sir," Remus said, hoping his apprehension didn't show.  Sirius had assured him he'd be safe, but if even one of the people here recognized his name . . . "Remus Lupin."

"Hm," the man said, looking ponderous.  "You a pureblood?"

"I'm afraid not."

" _Hm_ _,_ " the man said again.  He shot a disapproving look at Sirius, who returned a smile that toed the line between angelic and insubordinate.  "You know, I remember hearing something about the Lupins a while back . . ."

Remus' blood went cold.  He forced his expression into something approximating pleasant curiosity, although from the look on Sirius' face, he wasn't doing a very good job of it.  "Oh?"

"Yes.  It's . . ." He snapped his fingers, frowning.  "It's slipped my mind.  Still, you don't hear a name like Remus Lupin every day."

"My parents were fond of the classics," Remus replied.  Behind him, Sirius made a noise like an owl choking on a pellet.

They mixed and mingled for another hour or so.  During that time, Sirius gave him a tour of Grimmauld Place complete with running commentary, although they had to stop every time they ran into one of Sirius' relatives either of them really felt like antagonizing, which was often.

"And here," Sirius said with an extravagant gesture at a particularly elaborate tapestry, "is the complete illustrated Black family tree.  Pay attention to the multiple scorch marks." He ran his fingers over a blackened hole in the cloth.

"Yeah, I did notice those," Remus said, eyebrows raised.  "Trying to prevent it from coming alive and swallowing people whole?"

Sirius laughed, and a passing aunt gave an affronted sniff.  "Nah, those are to mark all the people we've disowned over the years.  This isn't Little Shop of Horrors."

"Of course not.  None of  _your_ horrors are for sale."

Sirius looked like he was going to reply to that, but a sudden commotion from the direction of the front door distracted them both.  Every single person in the manor seemed to be having a contest as to who could get there first, so the hall was a flurry of swirling robes and the clatter of boots on hard wood floors.

Everyone, that is, except Sirius, who stood back and crossed his arms with a scowl, expression suddenly stormy.  "Typical," he said.  "Remus, prepare yourself to meet my  _darling_ cousin Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Lestrange?" Remus asked, confused.

"Got married to Rodolphus Lestrange last year," Sirius explained, rolling his eyes.  "Whole family absolutely fawns over her, it's disgusting."

Remus nodded absently, mentally going over what Sirius had said - then choked.  "Sorry, did you say her husband's name was-"

"Rodolphus," Sirius confirmed, cracking a smile for the first time since the subject came up.  "Feel free to call him Rudolph if you want, he won't know what you're talking about."

"Noted."

"Wanna go say hi?" 

Looking at him, something in Remus' stomach gave a sort of uncertain little flip.  He shook himself out and whatever it was disappeared.  "Sure."

They arrived amidst a clamor of Blacks thronging around the guests of honor.  Almost immediately, Remus' heel landed on the toe of someone else's shoe.  He turned to see Narcissa glaring at him.  She adjusted her robes with the flounce he'd seen Sirius perform countless time before and disappeared back into the crowd.

"Alright, alright," came a voice from the center of the gathering, loud and authoritative.  When no one complied, the order was repeated, more angrily this time: "I  _said_ alright!"

Everyone quieted.  

" _Thank_ you," the voice said.  Definitely female, but rough and throaty, like an actress portraying an over-exaggerated version of herself.  The crowd parted around her as she moved through them.  "Hello, everyone.  Uncle Orion, would you mind fetching your house-elf to get our things? It's been an  _exhausting_ day."

"Certainly, Bellatrix," Sirius' father said.

A few more people stepped aside and Remus found himself face to face with Bellatrix Lestrange.

The first thing he noticed was that she was extremely tall.  Most of the Blacks were, but the tallness was accompanied by a certain presence that made it impossible not to pay attention to her.  Andromeda hadn't been lying when she'd said Narcissa took after their older sister; Bellatrix was everything Narcissa was but more of it.  They had the same proud, graceful dignity in their bearing, the same pale skin and chiseled features that made them seem like living statues.  They had the same enormous dark eyes, although Bellatrix's gave the impression she was slightly unhinged.  They even shared a fashion sense: Bellatrix wore an elaborate set of black dress robes covered in intricate embroidery.

What disturbed him most was how much she looked like an older, female Sirius.

"Sirius," Bellatrix said, and Remus started.

"Bella," Sirius replied.

That surprised Remus even more.  So far, Sirius had kept up a joking, at least semi-polite tone with everyone they encountered, yet now his voice was pure steel.  Remus risked a sideways glance, but Sirius kept his gaze fixed firmly on the ground.

Bellatrix's expression turned chillier.  "I'd hoped your parents would've been able to teach you some manners since last year, but it seems you're still as disrespectful as ever.  Who's this?" She snapped her fingers in Remus' direction.

"Remus Lupin," Remus said when Sirius continued to scowl at his shoes.  "I'm his boyfriend," he went on.  "Delighted to make your acquaintance."

He extended his hand and Bellatrix looked at it like he'd offered her a dead rat.

"Really, Sirius?" She said, rolling her eyes.  "I thought you would've grown out of this by now."

Sirius finally looked up.  "He's my guest.  Remember the rule: no killing anyone over the holidays." His voice had turned curiously flat, which worried Remus more, although he was somewhat relieved knowing no one would be trying to kill him.  Relieved, and rather curious about exactly how many times that rule had come up.

Bellatrix gave him a hard stare, then tossed her mane of thick black curls and moved on, most of the crowd hurrying after her.  Andromeda lingered long enough to shoot Sirius a sympathetic look, then filed out with the others.  

"I  _hate_ her," Sirius muttered.  The anger burning in his eyes was a startling contrast to the lifelessness of his voice just moments before.  "I fucking hate her.  She's messed up."

"Yeah, I kind of saw," Remus said, attempting lighthearted but coming off anxious.  "Nice of you to stand up for me."

Tentatively, he reached out and took Sirius' hand again.  It was like holding an ice cube.  Still, he didn't let go.

"Wasn't much of a stand," Sirius said, though he looked slightly better.  "Even after all these years, she still scares the shit out of me."

"You did fine."

Sirius didn't answer.  Remus squeezed his hand.  "You alright?"

"What? Oh, of course!" Sirius made a feeble imitation of his usual grin, sweeping back his hair with his free hand.  "Just a bit . . . you know, Bella looks scary and that's because she is, but the nice thing about her is that she usually doesn't get that you're making fun of her, just gives you that 'I am a goddess, you worthless peon' look we Blacks are so good at."

Deciding to let him off the hook for now, Remus smiled back.  "Are you including yourself in that 'we?'"

Instead of answering, Sirius drew himself up, seemingly trying to recreate the look he'd described.  He pulled 'irritatingly superior' off somehow.

Remus laughed.  "You'd make a wonderful goddess, Pads."

Sirius broke character to grin, this time with a bit more heart.  "I know." Then, quieter, "Thank you for being here."

"What are friends for?"

***

After another half hour of nothing in particular, Orion made a general announcement that it was time for dinner.  Everyone filed into the dining room, where they were seated around a ridiculously long oaken table by the Black's house-elf, Kreacher, who took one look at Remus and decided to ignore his existence at all costs.  Remus half expected to find little place cards with their names on them, but saw nothing except cloth napkins, spotless white plates, crystal glasses, and an endless array of silverware.  An enormous chandelier hung over the center of the table.  Sirius looked disgusted by the entire scene.

The meal itself was similarly ostentatious, with at least seven courses and periodic breaks so Kreacher could refill every single glass.  Having no idea which utensil to use when, Remus eventually gave up and had fun watching veins bulge in the forehead of the man beside him whenever he picked the wrong one.  Naturally, Sirius handled the silverware with characteristic grace, although those around him practically fainted when he picked his teeth with one of the knives.

Bellatrix held court at the head of the table, doling out orders as casually as she would take a sip from her glass.  Her voice somehow carried all the way to the far end.

"Aunt Walburga, I'd love to stay longer, but I'm just exhausted," she said while the plates from the dessert course were taken away, one hand at her collarbone.  "Kreacher can show us to our room now; I think we'll be retiring early." She clapped her hands briskly, and Kreacher appeared at her elbow.

Out of the corner of his eye, Remus caught Sirius' face slipping back into a scowl.  Their gazes locked and Sirius winked, then raised his voice: "Mother, if Bella's leaving early, can I show my boyfriend his room?"

Walburga looked up sharply.  "Sirius, be respectful to your-"

"Great! Thanks, Mum!" Sirius stood and made a short bow to everyone still seated along the dining table.  "Bye, all!"

On the other side, Narcissa raised her eyebrows.  "No funny business, you two."

For some reason, Remus blushed at that.  

Sirius laughed.  Remus had just enough time to be suspicious before Sirius tugged him to his feet and out of the room so fast Remus accidentally kicked over his chair.  He stumbled, tripping over his own feet as they made it into the hall, but Sirius seemed oblivious to his discomfort.

"Sorry about that, but I had to get out of there," Sirius said when they were safely out of earshot.  "Now, I'm not sure where your stuff is, so we'll have to wander around a bit until we find it.  Kreacher should've gotten your things and put them . . . somewhere, I dunno.  We've got plenty of spare rooms."

Casting a mournful look over his shoulder toward the dining room where he'd left his half-empty plate, Remus looked back to Sirius with a frown.  "And if he didn't?"

"Of course he did," Sirius said easily.  "He's a house-elf; what good would he be if he didn't?" He thought for a moment.  "Although Regulus is fond of him, so that's not exactly a ringing endorsement of his capabilities." He stopped in his tracks and cupped his hands around his mouth.  "OI! KREACHER! COME HERE!"

One sharp _crack_ later, Kreacher appeared, and Remus barely suppressed a flinch.  The house-elf glared resentfully up at Sirius.

"You called, Master Sirius?" Kreacher asked in a voice that implied he would literally rather be doing anything else.

"Where'd you put his stuff?" Sirius said with no preamble, jabbing a thumb at Remus.

Kreacher's gaze drifted over to Remus, then quickly locked back onto Sirius - or, more accurately, onto Sirius' kneecaps.  "Right this way."

They followed Kreacher through the maze of hallways and up at least one staircase until Remus was convinced he was just leading them in circles.  Finally, the house-elf stopped in front of a door that looked exactly like every other door they'd passed so far.  Still not looking at Remus, Kreacher made a stiff bow and said, "Your things are in here."

"Awesome," Sirius said.  "Now get out."

Kreacher disappeared with another loud  _crack_.  

Opening the door, Sirius gestured toward the entrance.  "Shall we?"

"We shall," Remus said, and stepped through the door.

The second he set foot inside, several candles flickered on, throwing up shadows all over the room.  Sure enough, Remus' battered trunk lay on its side at the foot of a four-poster bed not unlike the one he occupied at Hogwarts.  Beside it sat a large chest of drawers.  The walls were thankfully devoid of tapestries, but a large woven rug was spread across the floor.

There was one window on the far wall.  The curtains were drawn, but darkness had long since fallen.  Gray clouds drifted across the night sky, revealing a quarter moon.  A shiver ran down Remus' spine.  He closed the curtains.

Behind him, Sirius cleared his throat.  Remus jumped, spinning around to face him.  His voice caught in his throat; neither of them spoke.  He shoved his hands in his pockets and avoided Sirius' eyes.

"G'night," Sirius said after a long pause.  He gave Remus a quick clap on the shoulder and darted back out through the door.

Remus stared at the spot where Sirius had been standing.  "Night," he said to the empty room, then went to get ready for bed.  Even a few hours of interacting with those people had completely zapped his energy.

***

A clap of thunder nearly drowned out the knock on the door.  It had started raining a few minutes after Sirius left the room and kept up as Remus unpacked his stuff into the chest of drawers and put on pajamas.  Anything he did felt strangely alien here, even simple things like that.  Every few seconds the walls creaked, like the house itself disapproved of his presence.

Another thunderclap, another knock, jolting him out of his thoughts.  Yawning, Remus walked over to answer the door.

At first, he thought no one was there.  Glancing around, all he saw was the dark, empty corridor, tapestries on its walls rustling in the draft.  Then something nudged his leg.

"Oh," Remus said, looking down with a smile.  "It's you."

The enormous black dog in the doorway huffed as if to say, "Duh." It tossed its head in a distinctly Sirius-like way, then lifted one front paw and pointed inside.

"Showoff," Remus said.  "You only perfected that two months ago."

The dog rolled its eyes.  He hadn't known dogs could do that.

"Alright, alright," Remus said.  He stepped out of the doorway and the dog trotted inside.  Shooting Remus a self-satisfied look, he climbed up onto the bed and sat there expectantly.  He hadn't known dogs could do that either.

"Is that what you're doing?" Remus asked, walking over to scratch the dog behind the ears.  He was prepared to tease him about it (Sirius couldn't talk in dog form, after all), but at that moment an errant breeze blew the curtains apart.  It gave him another glimpse of the moon, glaring at him like the watchful eyes of Sirius' family.  "Have it your way," he said instead.

The dog snorted, then curled up at the end of the bed.  Remus slipped under the comforter and closed his eyes, listening to the creaks and groans of the house, the sound of the storm outside, and Sirius the dog whuffling gently by his feet.  Eventually, he drifted off into dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit I played fast and loose with the timeline for the purposes of this story, but everyone in this fandom has disowned most of canon anyway, so what's one more? If you enjoyed, make sure to leave a comment/kudos below, and stay tuned for chapter two!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius continue their performance, which is made a bit more difficult by the fact that Feelings Are Happening and neither of them knows how to cope. Cue hilarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun with Regulus and Andromeda in this chapter. Hope you like it.

Sunlight filtered through a crack in the curtains the next morning, assaulting Remus' closed eyelids like a barrage of minuscule needles.  Groaning, he pulled the covers over his head, or tried to.  The task proved more difficult than it should have been, and he groaned again when he realized why.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Sirius said above him, a smile in his voice.

"Mrghlfjgadlsdsa," Remus replied, burrowing deeper under the blankets.  "Hhhfghdlgo  _away._ "

"Ah, that's no way to greet your boyfriend," Sirius said.  He was always so fucking chipper in the mornings; Remus would've hit him with a pillow if he'd had the energy.  "Come on, it's time to kick today's ass."

"Fuck you."

"And I love you too, darling."

A moment's silence followed.  Just when Remus thought he was safe, the covers were yanked back and harsh light flooded his vision.  Flailing blindly, he managed to whack Sirius with the back of his hand, and was somewhat pleased when Sirius yelped.

"That hurt," Sirius complained.  Now that Remus had regained the power of sight, he could fully appreciate how ridiculous yet oddly familiar the whole scene was: Sirius sitting at the foot of his bed with Remus' sheets scrunched up around his knees, clutching dramatically at his undamaged cheek, his hair somehow still looking perfect.  Merlin knew how many times he'd woken in their dormitory in Gryffindor Tower to Sirius perched on his bed, eager for Remus to get up and join him in that day's mischief.  

"Good," Remus said, still groggy.  He made a halfhearted grab for the blankets, but Sirius tugged them out of his reach.  "Let me sleep."

"Absolutely not," Sirius replied cheerfully.  "You're coming down for breakfast with me! We've got a long day of being obnoxious together ahead of us."

Mumbling obscenities under his breath, Remus sat up, accepting that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again.  "Why does your family have breakfast so bloody  _early_? I mean, I already knew they were horrible, but  _Merlin_. . ."

Sirius grinned, so self-satisfied Remus wasn't sure whether he wanted to slap him or . . . or something.  Probably just slap him.

"My family has already proven they have sadistic tendencies through their treatment of their eldest and most handsome son," Sirius said carelessly, leaning back and sweeping a hand through his hair.  "This is just further evidence."

Remus laughed, then immediately felt guilty about doing so.  "Alright, alright," he said, mostly to get them off the topic.  "I'll be down in a minute.  Just let me . . . get ready." 

Sirius made a show of looking him over, wrinkling his nose.  "Yeah, I'd say that's for the best.  You look like you've been hit by the Whomping Willow."

Remus shoved him, feeling more awake every second.  "And you look . . . um . . ." Any suitable word escaped him.  Whatever he had meant to say, he suddenly wanted very much not to say it.

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'amazing,' " Sirius said.  "What can I say? Sometimes it's a curse to be this good-looking."

"I can just imagine," Remus said.  "You're so beautiful it's tragic."

Sirius spread his arms modestly, but Remus thought he saw the tips of Sirius' ears turn pink.  "I've accepted my fate."

"How noble of you."

"I know!" Sirius leaned closer in a confidential way and the temperature of the room seemed to rise several degrees.  However, before he could continue, the bedroom door creaked loudly and both boys jumped.  They turned toward the source of the noise.

"God, Cissy," Sirius said into the silence.  "Ever heard of knocking?"

Narcissa rolled her eyes, arms crossed.  Her new white robes made her look even paler than usual.  "The door was open.  What was I meant to do? By the way, your mother wants to know why you two haven't shown up for breakfast yet."

"Yeah, she would," Sirius muttered.  "Tell her I'm helping my boyfriend adjust to the new environment."

"Tell her yourself; she'll be coming up to skin you alive any minute now," Narcissa said in a bored tone of voice.  "You might want to get out of his bed before she arrives."

With that, she swept out of the doorway and disappeared down the hall.

"Well, I suppose I'll have to get going then," Sirius said, his tone trying for lightness but missing by a rather large margin.  He smiled again, but now it looked forced.  "Kiss for good luck?"

Remus' heart missed a beat.   _Stop that,_ he scolded it.  His heart, being a stubborn little bastard, did not comply.

Hyper-aware that Sirius was watching him curiously, Remus forced a laugh.  "Not likely.  Brush your teeth first and I'll consider it."

Sirius adopted a look of mock offense, then laughed and slid off the bed.  "I live to serve." He fired off a two-fingered salute and, laughing for real now, Remus returned it.  "I'll tell Kreacher to put on a pot of coffee for you."

Remus watched Sirius go, a swell of affection rising in his chest.  He stood up to get ready for the day.

***

Breakfast was a subdued affair.  In fact, Remus got the overall impression that everyone there was struggling to maintain decorum.  The adults talked cordially over a variety of food in the dining room while Regulus, Narcissa, and some blond bloke Remus assumed was her boyfriend were having very loud conversations about how well they were doing.  Sirius glared daggers at them, though the effect was ruined whenever he stopped to take a bite of egg.

"Alright, who exactly is Narcissa's boyfriend?" Remus asked after Kreacher finally arrived with a steaming pot of coffee (the house-elf made a valiant effort to pour and set out a cup for him while still ignoring his existence).

Sirius appeared not to have heard him and instead gave Regulus the finger, hastily putting his hand down again when he saw his mother glaring in their direction.  "Smarmy little - what was that, darling?"

The pet name momentarily took Remus off-guard, and he had to take a moment to remember his question.  He took a swig of his coffee to cover the awkward moment and nearly choked; the drink was scalding hot and so bitter Remus didn't think adding sugar would make any difference to the flavor.  Coughing, he managed to say, "Who's Narcissa's boyfriend and why do you hate him so much?"

"Oh,  _him_ ," Sirius said, shooting another disgusted look at the other end of the table.  "His name's Lucius Malfoy and I hate him because he's a dickhead."

A jolt of recognition ran through him and Remus craned his neck to get a better view.  Sure enough, when paired with the name, that profile was _very_ familiar.  "Not the stuck-up git who used to be a Slytherin prefect?"

"The very same," Sirius said.  "D'you remember that time he tried to dock us fifty points for no bloody reason?"

"Actually, I think it was because you and James turned his hair hot pink and took photos," Remus reminded him, smiling despite himself.  "And then you tried to sell said photos for five Galleons apiece."

"Oh yeah." Sirius grinned.  "Brings back memories.  Anyway, he didn't have much to worry about; Peter bought half of those pictures and you shredded the rest."

"I let you keep some," Remus said defensively.  "I liked the one where he threw a book at you."

"He had terrible aim," Sirius said, helping himself to more bacon.  "Didn't even manage to curse us properly."

The Black family members slowly wandered off after they finished breakfast, although Walburga and Orion both stayed to supervise those who remained.  Sirius left around the same time Bellatrix did and Remus followed him reluctantly into what looked like the living room, if you could call anything in that place "living".  

"What're you doing?" Remus asked, watching Sirius poke through a tall, polished wooden cabinet.

"Looking for something to do," Sirius said.  "I'm pretty sure we've got a set of solid gold Gobstones in here somewhere . . ."

" _Solid gold_?!" Remus repeated, incredulous.  He wasn't often jealous of Sirius and James' families' affluence, but sometimes he couldn't help it.  "Merlin, Sirius, how do you misplace something like that?"

Again, Sirius didn't seem to have heard him.  "Aha!" He extracted a large wooden box and blew a stream of dust off the lid.  "This should keep us occupied for a few hours!"

Remus peered over his shoulder (one of the myriad advantages of being almost a head taller).  "What is it?"

"Old chess set," Sirius said proudly.  "I think the pieces have gotten a bit paranoid over the years, but otherwise it's fine."

Remus considered this, then shrugged.  "Yeah, alright.  Where should we set up?"

They ended up sitting down exactly where they were and unfolding the board between them.  The pieces weren't too pleased with Sirius and Remus handling them (the black queen kept giving Sirius especially suspicious looks), but they didn't protest too vocally, which was something.  Remus had barely pushed the final pawn into position when a rustle of fabric and clattering of shoes announced the presence of an out-of-breath Andromeda, who hurried over to seat herself beside him.  "Hi," she said.  "Mind if I join you?"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a glance.  "Not that it isn't nice to see you, but what exactly are you doing here?" Sirius asked after a moment's pause.

"Escaping from my mum," Andromeda replied, sweeping a stray brown curl behind her ear.  "She was interrogating me about why I still haven't made myself useful and married some nice, respectable pureblood yet."

Sirius' laugh was short, brittle.  "They only give you a hard time about that because you're a decent person, unlike the rest of them," he said roughly.  "They're jealous."

Andromeda blushed.  "Cheers, Sirius.  Anyway, I got out of there and decided I should spend some time with my favorite cousin.  And Remus," she added.  "I hope I haven't interrupted anything?"

"No, of course not," Remus said.  He hadn't gotten to spend much time with Andromeda the previous night, but he definitely liked her better than any of the others.

"Excellent," Andromeda said, smiling in a relieved sort of way.  "We can play in pairs, then!"

"Pairs?" Sirius and Remus said at the same time.

Andromeda didn't explain further; she glanced around the room until her gaze settled on the far door, then waved with a cheery smile.  "Hey, Regulus! Fancy a game of chess?"

Sirius swore. 

Following Andromeda's line of sight, Remus winced.  Regulus stood in the doorway, eyebrows raised and arms folded so he looked distinctly unimpressed.  "With you?"

"You, me, Sirius, and Remus," Andromeda corrected.  "A little friendly competition, Slytherins versus Gryffindors, you know."

By the way Sirius and Regulus were now glaring daggers at each other, it wouldn't be very friendly, but Remus didn't bother pointing that out.  He gave Sirius a warning look, which Sirius didn't see.

"Fine," Regulus said in the same carelessly bored way Sirius would have.  He plopped down next to Andromeda and Remus moved around to the other side of the chessboard.

The game went fairly quickly.  Andromeda and Regulus worked together almost seamlessly, and Andromeda turned out to be a competent player.  Sirius and Remus, however, started running into problems very early on.

"I told you, if we move the bishop there, that leaves them free to take our rook," Remus said for the fifteenth time.  " _And_ it'll ruin our pawn chain."

The bishop nodded in grudging agreement (Remus had won its trust by saving its life a few moves in, although most of the pieces still disliked them both).

"But if we move the bishop, we can take their knight," Sirius whined, also for the fifteenth time.  He'd decided it was too much effort to sit up on his own and leaned his head into Remus' shoulder.  Remus didn't mind this as much as he should have.  It was the sort of thing Sirius-as-Padfoot would've done.  Although if it was Sirius-as-Padfoot, Remus probably wouldn't be as painfully aware of every movement he made or as careful not to disturb him.

His heartbeat probably wouldn't be going as fast either.

"Are you going to take your turn or not?" Regulus demanded, jolting Remus out of his thoughts.

"Yes," Sirius said.  "Bishop to N5."

Remus scowled.  "Asshole."

"You love me," Sirius said lazily, dark eyes half closed.  Something light, floral, and thoroughly distracting drifted up off his hair.

Remus tugged at the collar of his robes, mind suddenly foggy.  "Maybe a little." Had the room always been this warm?

On the other side of the board, Andromeda smiled wistfully.  "You two are cute together."

Regulus sniffed.  "Mother says Sirius should be seeing someone more suitable for him.   _That-_ " he made a vague motion in Remus' direction "-is a waste of his time."

Sirius sat up so fast his hair whipped Remus across the face, opening his mouth to retort, but Andromeda cut him off.  Her expression had, if possible, turned even sunnier.  "Funny you should say that," she said, still smiling, "because that's what everyone says about me.  Now, do you want to mind your own business and keep playing or do you want to leave?"

Regulus looked sulky but said nothing.  "That's what I thought," Andromeda said.  "Now, let's see what we can do with this . . ."

As predicted, Andromeda succeeded in capturing their rook, and Regulus regained some of his smugness.  For his part, Remus couldn't resist an "I told you so".  Or three.

"Oh, shut up," Sirius said.  "We get it, you were right.  Maybe becoming a prefect really does turn you into a prat."

Remus had to take this statement with a grain of salt, as Sirius had leaned his head back into his shoulder the second play resumed.  He knew better than to make a serious argument against it, though.  "I know plenty of prats who aren't prefects," he said instead.

Sirius rolled his eyes.  "I didn't say  _all_ prats are prefects," he said, prodding their other bishop into action.  "Just that the attitude comes with the badge."

"Whatever you say, Sirius," Remus said, grinning despite himself as Regulus directed a pawn, which wrestled one of their pawns off the board.

Sirius smirked right back.  "I'm glad you've realized what's really important here."

They lost, of course.  All their fighting over moves let Andromeda and Regulus build up to a flawless endgame that made Sirius swear so badly Andromeda put her hands over Regulus' ears.  "Ah, come off it, Andromeda, he's fourteen, he's heard worse than that," Sirius said.  At that moment, Regulus wriggled free, patting down his feathery dark hair where his cousin had mussed it with a scowl.

"Well, Slytherins win round one," Andromeda said, clapping her now-empty hands together (Sirius and Regulus had gone back to glaring at each other).  "Want a rematch?"

A second game would almost definitely go the same way as the first one, unless . . . "Maybe we could switch teams?" Remus suggested.  At the questioning looks he received from all three Blacks, he elaborated: "I could be on a team with Regulus, and Sirius and Andromeda, you two can play together against us."

Sirius' head slipped off his shoulder.  "What? Moony! You're leaving me for my brother?"

"It's just  _chess_ , Sirius," Remus said, exasperated.  "I haven't forsaken you entirely."

Heaving a tragic sigh, Sirius sat up.  "Fine," he said.  "But don't blame me if he uses his Black charms to try and convert you to the dark side."

Andromeda looked back and forth between them.  She looked like she was thinking hard.  Finally, she spoke.

" _Moony_?"

Sirius froze.  "Oh, shit."

"It's a nickname," Remus said hurriedly.  "Which they've been using since second year.  I think it's stupid, but the rest of them won't stop saying it, especially this idiot." He tried to make these last words sound fond.  It wasn't as hard as he'd thought.

"That's  _cute_ ," Andromeda said.  "Almost makes me wish-" she broke off, suddenly blushing.

"What is it, 'Dromeda?" Sirius said.  His mournful air vanished completely, replaced by playful curiosity.  "Do you have something to tell us?"

" _Nothing_ ," Andromeda said.  However, Remus couldn't help noticing she didn't look any of them in the eye as she said it.

Sirius paid this no mind.  "Are you seeing someone? Possibly someone of whom our family does not approve? Will I get to be godfather to your children?"

Unable to contain his amusement, Remus snorted, but Andromeda went even redder.  " _No_ ," she said emphatically.  "To all of the above."

"Oh, good," Sirius said.  "Not that I don't want you to be happy and rebellious with the person of your choosing-" Regulus chose this moment to interject another loud sniff, which everyone ignored - "but I've already promised James I'll be godfather to any hypothetical child he has in the future, and I don't want to be responsible for more than one kid at a time."

"Is it my imagination, or did the word 'responsible' just cross your lips?" Regulus asked innocently, examining his fingernails.  "I never thought I'd see the day."

"Neither did I, to be honest," Sirius said, stretching.  "I suppose we all have to grow old someday." His eyes narrowed, venom threading its way through his next words.  "Although as your definition of responsibility is worshiping our parents and catering to their every whim-"

Regulus puffed himself up indignantly, and in that moment, the resemblance between the brothers was more pronounced than ever.  "Our  _parents_ deserve our respect.   _You're_ an ungrateful son and-"

"I'll show our parents respect when they've done something to earn it," Sirius interrupted with a yawn.  "Which isn't bloody likely.  And your insults would have more of an impact if you stopped stealing them from our mum."

Sensing an upcoming shouting match, Remus did the first thing he could think of: he grabbed Sirius' hand and gave it a quick squeeze.  Startled, Sirius glanced over at him.

"Chess?" Remus reminded him.

Sirius blinked rapidly, as if he was re-calibrating.  Then he gave himself a little shake and Remus felt his entire body relax.  "Yeah, alright."

Remus and Andromeda swapped places, and with a wave of Andromeda's wand, the pieces were restored to their original locations.

It turned out that Regulus was an even more reckless chess player than Sirius.  Sirius usually got bored of waiting for Remus to think his moves through before he made them and would just do the first thing he thought of as soon as his turn rolled around, but Regulus possessed an entirely different breed of insanity.

"We can use our pawn to get through this spot in their defenses," Regulus said, gesturing to the board.  "Then we'll be able to get at pieces here, here, and . . . here." The pawn in question looked a bit green at what it was being asked to do, but nodded along anyway.

"Right," Remus said cautiously.  "But, you know . . . if we did that . . . they'd be able to capture the pawn within three moves.  And we'd be leaving all these pieces here incredibly vulnerable."

Regulus shrugged.  "We'd still be able to do some serious damage before they got us.  Besides, he's only a pawn, we can afford to lose him."

And so it went.  Regulus always did whatever he wanted regardless of what Remus said (in fact, he seemed to want to make moves more if Remus thought they were terrible).  Nevertheless, Remus couldn't resist adding his two Knuts whenever it was their turn, despite knowing it wouldn't change anything.  Regulus turned up his nose at these suggestions in a way that was both very Sirius and very  _not_ .  Soon there was a small heap of unconscious white pieces at the side of the board.

Also, about halfway through the game, Remus noticed Sirius watching him.  In the absence of a willing shoulder to lean on, he'd propped his chin against one hand, and every now and then his gaze would flicker over Remus, linger for a moment, then sweep back to the board.

"What?" Remus demanded, catching Sirius' eyes on him for the fourth time.  He had to resist checking if there was something on his robes.

"Nothing," Sirius said hastily.  His ears went pink again.

Still suspicious, Remus went back to arguing his point with Regulus, who would have none of it, as usual.  This time, it only took a prickle on the back of his neck for Remus to whirl back to Sirius, who jumped, looking guilty.

"Why d'you keep  _looking_ at me?" Remus said, half exasperated and half curious.

"What, I'm not allowed to look at you?" Sirius asked, ears now bright red.  "I happen to think you're very nice-looking, thank you very much!"

The words hit Remus like a blow to the face.  Stunned, he stammered something he himself couldn't make out, mind foggy and face hot.  "Don't try to distract me," he finally managed.  "What is it really?"

"Nothing," Sirius said again.  "I just . . . I just think you'd make . . . you'd make an excellent teacher." The words came out in a rush, and he stared at Remus defiantly.

Remus stared at him.  Then he started to laugh.  "Oh, hilarious," he managed, practically bent double.  Him? A _teacher_ ? And  _Sirius_  was suggesting this? It was absolutely mad! "You know, if you were just going to make fun of me, you didn't have to drag it out like that."

Sirius waited for him to stop, a very peculiar expression on his face.  "I'm not joking," he said quietly.  "You - you're patient and act like you know what you're doing; if there's any other qualifications to teach at Hogwarts, I haven't heard of them."

That shocked Remus even more.  Sirius thought that about him? It was surprisingly observant, but still.  What was he supposed to say to  _that_ ?

"Um," he said eloquently.  "So, um . . . Rook to K4."

He realized his mistake as a wide grin spread across Sirius' face.  "This was your plan all along, wasn't it?" Remus said dispiritedly.

Sirius didn't answer.  He didn't need to.

The game went downhill from there.  Regulus, who seemed to have taken Remus' slip-up with the rook as proof his relationship with Sirius was no good, was now refusing to acknowledge anything either of them said.  The result was that by the end of the game, all but three of their pieces lay unconscious on the sidelines.

"Checkmate," Andromeda said brightly.  She and Sirius high-fived and Regulus tossed his hands into the air with an annoyed growl.  He stood, straightened his robes, and marched out the door without another word.

"Good game," Sirius said to Remus.  Their eyes met.

"You too," he said, and meant it.

***

The next week passed surprisingly quickly.  True, they couldn't get through a single day without a knock-down shouting match between Sirius and at least one of his parents, but the food was good and antagonizing Sirius' relatives turned out to be surprisingly easy.  All they had to do was exist near a group of them for a minute or two and they would scatter like startled ducks and flee the room, casting dark looks over their shoulders.  Remus started to catalog every dirty look he received over the course of the holiday.  Soon he had a decent graph going.  But while this was fun at first, it started to get boring after the twelfth time.

"Is there really nothing to do here except play chess and make polite conversation with people who hate me?" Remus wondered aloud at the end of their first week of vacation, finally abandoning the book on which he'd been unable to concentrate.  It was a particularly quiet Sunday, as several of the company had gone into town for a bit of shopping (neither of them had been invited).  He and Sirius holed themselves up in one of Grimmauld Place's numerous parlors, Remus attempting to read in a window nook that would have been cozy if it wasn't so goddamn uncomfortable.  

Across the room, Sirius snorted, not glancing up from what had started as a Potions essay they'd been assigned over the holiday but now consisted mainly of doodles.  "Welcome to my life.  You could talk to Andromeda?"

"No good; she's still asleep." Before the small shopping party had departed, Andromeda had announced she was going to have a nap, then retreated to her room.  She hadn't emerged since.

"We could bother Regulus a bit," Sirius suggested, then shook his head almost immediately.  "No, he'll be shut up in his room again.  If I didn't know better, I'd think he'd found a girlfriend."

"Or boyfriend," Remus felt compelled to add. 

"Sure, yeah, whatever." Letting out a frustrated sigh, Sirius tipped his chair onto its back legs and stared at the ceiling as if he was trying to make out a secret message in the wallpaper.  "Chess is getting boring and I would literally rather die than keep writing this essay, so no, I can't think of a single bloody thing to do." A sulky edge was starting to emerge in his words.  "Stupid fucking essay.  I swear I'm going to drop Potions next year."

Although he was starting to regret asking, Remus racked his brain for more ideas, picking absently at a loose green thread in the seat of his nook.  "You could continue my tour of your house?"

"You've seen it all by now; there's nothing else I can show you." Sirius let his chair fall back onto all four legs with a clatter.  The moody glare he fixed on the desk reminded Remus a bit too strongly of Orion.  "God, I hate being home."

Remus looked at him, thinking.  Then he stood abruptly, clapping his hands for attention.  "Well, if you don't want to do anything, let's just . . . go for a walk.  You know, get some fresh air or . . . something."

"There is no fresh air in this place," Sirius grumbled, but he allowed Remus to pull him to his feet and out the door.

When pressed, Sirius admitted there was a back balcony where they could hang out for a while ("No smoking," Remus said, and Sirius guiltily put the package of cigarettes back into his pocket) and agreed to show him the way.  However, he must have still been feeling surly, as it took them ten minutes just to reach a staircase they could have found in two.  The carpeting practically swallowed their shoes as they walked.

They ran into Kreacher somewhere on the second floor - literally.  Sirius kicked him out of the way without pausing a monologue about how his parents kept trying to redecorate his room.  Remus frowned, but Sirius didn't notice, just continued his speech.  "Like I was saying, I think I'll put some photos of you up next, that should annoy them - HEY! What were you muttering?"

Kreacher paused mid-insult.  "Nothing, Master Sirius.  Kreacher is only cleaning." He left.

"Don't hurry back," Sirius called after him.  "I hate that elf," he said once Kreacher was out of earshot.  "It's like he exists to do my mother's bidding.  When I get the house, I'm setting him free as soon as possible." He cocked his head to the side, thinking (another Padfoot thing Remus found oddly adorable).  "If they don't disinherit me first."

"Seems like a big 'if'," Remus said.  From how Sirius and his parents behaved around each other, disownment seemed inevitable rather than an unpleasant possibility.

Sirius shrugged.  "Whatever." He started walking again, much faster this time, and Remus practically had to run to keep up.  

They continued along a hall lined with doors, including one with a little neatly-lettered sign hanging in the center.  Sirius stopped rather abruptly in front of this door (Remus stumbled a few steps before coming to a halt himself) and hammered a fist against it.

"Go away," came Regulus' slightly muffled voice from the other side.

"What are you doing in there?" Sirius called back.  "Polishing your Quidditch trophies?" He let out a short, barklike laugh.  "Oh, right.  You don't have any."

"Sirius," Remus said warningly.  Sirius ignored him.

"Go away or I'll tell Mum!"

"Like she'll care," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.  "Besides, what can she do to me? We'll be back at school in less than a week." He winked at Remus (whose heart gave a sort of stutter in his chest), mouthing, "Three . . . two . . . one . . ."

The door flew open.  Regulus stood in the doorway, clutching his wand in one fist and looking livid, his pale face flushed.  When he saw Remus, his face turned even angrier.  "Leave me alone!"

Sirius just laughed again, head thrown back in that careless way Remus both admired and hated.  It made him uncomfortable, he supposed, seeing Sirius take such joy in another person's anger.  "Or what? You'll jinx me?"

"I could," Regulus said quietly, and an immediate chill settled in the air.  Sirius' posture stiffened.  "If I wanted to, I could.  No one would care, especially not Mum." He smiled, but it was a thin, cold smile, with no trace of humor in his eyes.  "Well.  I suppose she might be glad she didn't have to do it herself."

For a fraction of a second, Sirius hesitated, a flicker of uncertainty showing through a crack in his bravado.  Then he scowled and took a step back, which made Regulus' expression turn smug.  "Fine," Sirius said, voice slipping back into sullenness.  "Have fun locking yourself in your room."

"I will," said Regulus.  Remus  _really_ wished he would stop smirking.

The door started to close, and Remus grabbed Sirius' hand and dragged him away before he could say anything else, nerves jangling.  The nervousness gave way to irritation the second they started moving, though; why did Sirius insist on picking fights? His temper was already unpredictable at best, but being around his brother only seemed to aggravate it further, making it even more frustrating that Sirius kept going out of his way to annoy him.  Then again, Regulus wasn't much better.  It felt like neither of them could be in the other's presence for more than two seconds before they started provoking each other.  And Remus hadn't followed all of that last exchange, but from what he'd understood, Sirius' home life was even worse than he'd been letting on.

Finally, they stopped and Remus turned around, heart pounding.  They stood at the end of an unfamiliar corridor.  As he looked around, he realized he had no idea how they'd gotten there.  He'd been so lost in thought as he pulled Sirius along that he hadn't paid any attention to where he was going.

Sirius stared at him, eyebrows raised.  "Well?"

Remus felt his face going hot.  "Well what?"

Sirius' eyebrows went even higher.  "Why'd you drag me here? Is there something you wanted to say?"

There were so many things Remus wanted to say that they all snagged in his throat as they tried to be the first one out of his mouth, choking him.  He swallowed, cleared his throat, then swallowed again.  "No," he said.  "Can we just go outside?"

Their gazes locked for another moment.  Then Sirius shrugged and turned away.  "Alright, but you're gonna have to give me a minute.  We won't be able to get to the balcony from here."

"That's fine."

So Sirius once again led him through the halls of Grimmauld Place until they emerged onto the balcony.  It was, predictably, cold.  Enormous snowflakes drifted through the air, piling up all over the lawn and forming a thick carpet beneath their shoes.  The snow was too watery to do anything other than fall apart in their hands, though, so they sat in silence for a while and let the slush soak through the hems of their robes.

Finally, Remus managed to pluck up the courage to speak.  "Can I ask - can I ask what that was about, back there, with Regulus -"

"No," Sirius said harshly, his voice sharp and almost unsteady.  He stared straight ahead, eyes hard as flint.

"But -"

"Drop it, alright?"

Remus frowned.  Sirius loved complaining; he did it as often as possible, about topics that ranged from trivial to, well, serious.  Yet now, a rush of memories flooded into Remus' mind: Sirius deflecting or changing the subject in one form or another whenever one of them started asking too many questions about what his parents actually did to him when he was home.  Always with a laugh, a smile, a flippant remark, because it was  _Sirius_ and what else would he do? Sirius tugging the cuffs of his robes to hide thin wrists, curses that could cause pain without leaving marks . . .

"Can I just . . . say something?" Sirius said at last.  His hands contorted in his lap.

Remus didn't even have to think about his answer.  "Go for it."

"Right, well . . . it's a sort of dream I have - no, not a dream, more of a fantasy really.  No, that sounds wrong." Sirius' words spilled out with the white spirals of his breath.  Remus waited.

"Anyway," Sirius went on, "if and when my parents cut me off - do you remember me saying I'd like a flying motorbike someday?"

Unsure whether Sirius wanted him to answer or not, Remus settled for nodding.  Satisfied, Sirius continued.

"So I'll get this motorbike, and then I'll fly around the country a bit, drop in on you and James and Peter, hook up with hot people in Muggle bars -" Remus' stomach twisted a bit at that, though he wasn't sure why - "and then I'll come back." Sirius took a deep breath.  His hands stilled, and he let them fall to the deck.  "And then I'm going to vandalize the hell out of this place."

Whatever Remus had been expecting, that wasn't it.  Still, thinking about this house, with its cold, forbidding atmosphere, his suspicions about Sirius' parents and Regulus' cold smirk . . .

"That's an excellent idea," Remus found himself saying.  "Can I join you?"

Sirius laughed, a breathy, relieved sound that Remus thought was the most beautiful thing in the world.  "Yeah, if you want," he said, the toe of his shoe digging into the snow.  "I'll make sure there's room for you in the sidecar."

"Good," Remus said.  He smiled.  "Someone should be there to let you know when the Ministry workers show up to arrest you."

Sirius made a brief attempt at looking indignant, but he could only manage it for two seconds before he started to laugh again.  This time, it was a  _Sirius_ laugh, his whole body shaking even as he leaned over and flung a handful of watery snow in Remus' direction.  Remus dodged, then returned in kind.  Soon, they were hurling snow back and forth at each other until Remus got some right in the face. 

"Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry!" Sirius' face swam into view above him, panic written all over his face and voice.  "Sorry, Remus, are you alright?"

Remus blinked the snow out of his eyes - and seized the opportunity to pour slush down Sirius' neck.  "Never been better," he said as Sirius yelped.

Finally, they collapsed next to each other, red-faced and out of breath.  

"That was fun," Sirius said.  He looked much more like himself now, bright-eyed and handsome and  _alive_.  Remus' breath caught in his throat.  He suddenly wished he had a camera.

Sirius frowned and Remus realized he'd been silent for far too long.  "Do you want to go back inside?" Sirius asked.

"Nah," Remus said.  "I'd rather just stay here."  _With you_ , he added silently.

They watched the snow fall until Kreacher stuck his head outside to inform them that the others had returned and it was time for lunch.

***

The second they got inside, Sirius knew he couldn't avoid it anymore: he had overlooked a massive flaw in the plan.  A huge, world-ending, idea-ruining flaw that made him want to rip his own hair out (or at least it would have, if he didn't spend so much time taking care of it).  He'd managed to ignore the problem for almost a week, but it had now grown too large to contain.

 _Feelings_.  Somewhere between the performance and the jokes and annoying his family and Regulus (the smug, stupid git), something had started to form between them, manifesting in awkward silences and gazes held for slightly too long.  And try as he might, now that they were there, he couldn't dig them out of his chest.

He liked Remus.   _Remus_ , one of his best friends.  What the  _fuck_ ?

"Are you alright?"

Sirius flinched at Remus' words, which hit him like a slap to the face.  "Smashing," he replied, though the tremor in his voice said otherwise.  "Listen, I should, um . . ." Not meeting Remus' eyes, he fled. 

When he was safely barricaded in his room, the full weight of his realization came crashing down onto his shoulders and he sat down hard on his bed.  This was  _supposed_ to be acting.  A fake relationship, a two-week charade to piss off his bigoted family members.  What was he doing, bringing feelings into it like some sappy, deluded idiot? It  _so_ wasn't in the plan, and - and - how was he supposed to keep being Remus' boyfriend  _now_ ?

He buried his face in his pillow, gripping the sides of the pillowcase.  " _Fuck_ ," he mumbled into it. 

Unbidden, a single wavery image floated into his mind: Remus sitting beside him on the balcony, their hands less than an inch apart.  The half-smile curving his lips and the earnestness in his eyes as he asked if he could help Sirius vandalize his parents' house -  _Merlin_.  Sirius' hands tightened on the pillowcase as he realized he'd almost kissed Remus right then.

After a few solid minutes of hard work, he managed to stop hyperventilating.  After a few more minutes of telling himself he was the stupidest person on the planet, he sat up.

"Okay," he said into the silence.  Almost instantly, he wished he hadn't.  He could picture Remus' response to that: a quirk of the lips and raised eyebrows; " _Okay, what, Sirius_ ?"

Scrabbling around on the bed, his hand closed around the first thing he could find - the pillow - and flung it across the room.  "Quit it," he told himself, and got even angrier when his voice still shook.  "Just - just get your head on straight and forget about it."

It wouldn't work.  He  _knew_ it wouldn't work, knew Remus would never - still, it didn't stop him from hoping.  And he hated himself for it.

Every interaction with Remus was laced with new meaning, so much so that he could barely control his reactions.  When Remus' hand brushed against his at dinner that night, he shied so hard he nearly knocked over his chair.  The resultant clatter was so loud that literally everyone in his vicinity turned to stare at him, including Remus.   _You're his boyfriend, you bastard_ , Sirius scolded himself, treating the curious and somewhat scandalized onlookers to a semblance of his usual grin.   _Quit acting so . . ._

He couldn't find an appropriate word to finish that sentence.  Moronic, skittish, and heartsick were all excellent contenders, but none of them captured the sheer  _idiocy_ of what he'd done to himself, what he'd done to the  _plan_ .

"Is something wrong?" Remus whispered once the onlookers had gone back to their food and insipid conversations.  Just the sound of his voice sent guilt spiking through Sirius, his throat constricting and choking any words that might have formed.

Sirius coughed.  "Nothing's wrong.  So paranoid, sweetheart." He thought he saw Remus start ever so slightly at the endearment, but it was probably just wishful thinking.  "Lovely weather today, don't you think?"

Remus' expression was pure  _Really, Sirius? The weather?_ Sirius stared determinedly at his plate (pointless, as Kreacher had somehow managed to burn everything on it).

Dinner ended with a minimum of fanfare when Walburga announced she had a headache after the third course.  Sirius retreated to his room without protest.  He couldn't bring himself to stay around Remus any longer, though part of him knew he should've stuck around in case anyone tried to start shit with him.  Remus knew the way to his room if there was trouble, and Sirius needed time to regroup.

He took three steps into his room and collapsed, nearly missing the bed.  This was very bad.

Sirius hadn't visited Remus' room since the first night, when he'd thought it might help him settle in.  Now, he knew it would be a  _terrible_ idea, but for a moment, he entertained himself with the thought of it.  He could slip through the halls as a dog again; it would be so easy to change form.  Remus would be surprised but not unwelcoming, and he could curl up at the foot of his bed again and feel Remus' hand in his hair . . .

 _Stupid_ , he scolded himself, and somehow managed to fall asleep.

For the next few days, Sirius tried to be away from Remus as often as he could without arousing suspicion.  Even when they were together, he couldn't do so much as hold Remus' hand before he was making some excuse to leave.  He saw his relatives exchange glances (probably making bets on whether or not his parents had finally indoctrinated him), but couldn't bring himself to care.  As for Remus, well, those startled glances and hurt expressions would stop eventually.

He was hiding in the kitchen when Andromeda cornered him.  He'd made sure Kreacher was busy with the laundry before picking that spot to wallow, but he hadn't counted on anyone else finding him there.  Most of his relatives (including him, if he was honest with himself) avoided housework like the plague.

Andromeda folded her arms over her chest, glaring.  She wore royal blue robes over a crisp white shirt that day, and the effect was eerily reminiscent of Professor McGonagall.  "Alright, spill.  What's going on with you and Remus?"

Sirius scowled at her, though it wasn't very intimidating, seeing as he was seated on the white tile floor of his family's kitchen.  "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes you do.  Last week you were all over each other -" she held up a hand to forestall his comment -"not like  _that_ , Sirius - and now you can barely be in the same room with him, whenever he looks at you, you flinch, and now you're holed up in the  _kitchen ,_ of all places." She pinched the bridge of her nose, which didn't help her resemblance to McGonagall.  "So what's wrong?"

Sirius counted floor tiles.  "Even if there was something wrong, it wouldn't be any of your business."

Andromeda's eyes widened; she looked as though he'd hit her.  Sirius bit his lip, hard.

"You really won't tell me?" Andromeda asked.  "Come on, Sirius, it's me.  Your favorite cousin.  I want to help."

"I -" Sirius felt the metallic tang of blood in his mouth.  "Everything's fine.  Ask Remus if you don't believe me."

"Maybe I will."

"Fine."

"Fine!" Andromeda spun on her heel and marched out of the kitchen, blue robes swishing behind her.  Sirius started counting ceiling tiles.

As the end of the holidays drew nearer, so too did Sirius' dread.  Soon, they'd be back at school, and although the masquerade of a relationship would stop, it would be much harder to avoid Remus there.  And there was still one more hurdle to jump before they returned.

On the second-to-last day of their vacation, Sirius steeled his nerves and found Remus secreted away in his reading corner, head bent over a book.  He seemed utterly absorbed in its contents, so much so that Sirius had another sudden flash of deja vu.  He lingered in the doorway a moment, not daring to make a sound lest he disturb his . . . friend.  His  _friend_ .

Sirius cleared his throat.  "Um, hey," he said.

Remus jumped; the book fell from his hands and hit the floor with a dull  _thump_ .  "Hey," he said, voice slightly shaky.  Sirius couldn't help noticing a flush creeping up Remus' neck.  "What - er, why are you here?"

"Um . . ." Sirius didn't know what to do with his hands.  He jammed them into his pockets, then changed his mind and ran his fingers through his hair on a nervous habit.  "So, um . . . I kind of -" Merlin, why was this so hard? He tried again.  "I might've forgotten to tell you something, about - about something my family does over the holidays, usually."

"Okay." Remus was staring at him like he'd just announced his decision to transfer to Slytherin.  Sirius didn't blame him.  "What is it?"

"Well, we kind of - they do this thing, where they feel like they have to impress everyone, even though everyone's been staying in their bloody house for two bloody weeks so there's really nothing to - anyway, it's just a slightly fancier dinner where everyone wears uncomfortable dress robes.  And then, um - there's dancing." 

"Okay," Remus said again.

Sirius could feel beads of sweat forming on the back of his neck.  "We're going to have to dance," he said.  Awkwardly.

"Okay." Remus' expression was so neutral, so perfectly calm that Sirius wanted to shake him until he understood that  _this was a problem_ .  He wasn't  _getting_ it, and now Sirius would have to dance with him all fucking night when he had  _no idea_ of how bloody torturous it was for Sirius to be around him now.

"Is that all you wanted to say? Dancing and nice-but-uncomfortable robes?" Remus asked.

"Um.  Pretty much." This had been a stupid idea.  Sirius turned to leave, then turned again.  "You can still borrow some of my dress robes if you want.  I'll find some and you can pick out ones you like.  If you want."

"Okay." Remus started to say something else, but stopped.  "Thank you."

"No problem." Sirius left.  When he looked over his shoulder, Remus had picked up his book again, but he wasn't reading it.  Instead, he was staring at the spot where Sirius had been.  Sirius quickened his pace, and soon the room was out of sight.

Sirius rose early the next morning, throwing on a pair of robes and pacing around his room.  He'd never much been one for lounging around in bed after waking, and that day he felt particularly restless.  It was this house; everything in it made him feel trapped.  Opening the windows didn't help, but closing them again was worse.  He left the drapes open as a compromise, and was just turning away from the window when there came a knock on the door.

Remus stood on the other side, hands in pockets and his gaze directed a foot or so to Sirius' left.  "Hullo.  Um, you said I could borrow dress robes from you, so I thought -"

"Oh! Yes! Absolutely! Come in," Sirius babbled, grabbing Remus' wrist and tugging him inside.  Then he realized what he'd done and let go, feeling like he'd stuck his hand to a hot stove.  "I've, um -"

He stopped, because Remus still wasn't looking at him.  Instead, he was staring at the wall.  Sirius looked, too, and found himself staring down the Gryffindor banners he'd draped over every available surface last summer.

Remus broke the silence.  " _This_ is your room? These are the things you put up?"

Sirius grinned in spite of himself.  "Yeah.  Do you like it?"

Remus' mouth was hanging open.  He blinked rapidly, then swallowed.  Eventually, he spoke.  "No wonder your parents want to redecorate."

Sirius couldn't help it: he burst out laughing.  After a second, Remus joined him, and soon they were both teary-eyed.  For a moment, Sirius almost forgot why he'd been avoiding Remus, why things between them had been so completely fucked up.  Almost.

Their laughter died away, and Sirius took a quick step back, suddenly fidgety again.  He coughed, looking away.  "So . . . I've found some things I thought you might like."

Remus nodded.  His expression had turned somehow sad, and Sirius felt those pangs of guilt gnawing at him again.  "All right.  I suppose we should look at them?"

They spent the next hour or so looking over choices.  Remus made a few jokes at the beginning, but when Sirius didn't laugh, he quieted and talked only to express his opinion on the next set of dress robes.  As for Sirius, he'd never cared for clothes; as far as he was concerned, everything looked good on him, so he didn't see the need for excessive agonizing over what he was going to wear.  Clothes shopping was, in his opinion, a complete waste of time.  Picking out robes with Remus only served to reinforce this belief, but on this occasion, there was an extra layer of torture on top of the boredom he always experienced.

He stole a glance at Remus as he pulled out another set of robes, these ones bright blue with gold trim.  Remus' brow was furrowed, expression thoughtful as he examined them.  Sirius mentally revised his statement: he, Sirius, looked good in everything, but Remus managed to look good even when he should, by all rights, have looked terrible.  Dark circles had never been more attractive.

"What do you think?" Sirius asked, shaking his head to dislodge the thought.

Remus started at the sound of his voice, but stilled almost immediately.  "They're . . . nice," he said in a voice that implied a "but" with every syllable.

After a brief struggle, Sirius' curiosity won over his silence.  "What's wrong with them?"

"Nothing's  _wrong_ , it's just . . ." Remus leaned over and reached out to rub the fabric between his fingers and their hands knocked into each other.  Sirius froze.  His heartbeat pounded in his ears.  Carefully, Remus withdrew his hand and continued in a remarkably calm tone.

"They're just a bit much, a bit - flashy, that's all.  I mean, I know it's your style," Remus said, catching sight of Sirius' expression, "but I feel like if I wore those everyone would be staring at me all night."

"They'd have good reason."

Remus stared at him with the most peculiar look on his face, and Sirius realized he'd spoken aloud.

"Not, like, in a bad way," he said, rushing to clarify his statement as his entire body heated up.  "All I'm saying is that you look nice all the time, so people are naturally going to stare at you because who wouldn't want to look at someone who looks nice? Well, I suppose I can't speak for everyone, but -"

"Sirius," Remus cut across him.  "Please stop.  You're going to hurt yourself."

Sirius tried to make his hands stop shaking.  "That was a load of nonsensical bullshit I just said, wasn't it?"

The corner of Remus' mouth quirked.  "It wasn't -  _not_ that." He picked at the cuff of his robes and Sirius found his eyes drawn to Remus' hands, with their long, thin fingers and nails cut too short.  When Remus spoke again, his voice was unexpectedly soft and uncertain.  "Listen, I'm not sure what I did, but can we just - can we go back to normal? It's like we've stopped talking to each other and I don't even know why.  I'm - if it is my fault, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you or - or anything."

Sirius' breath caught in his throat.  His first instinct was to say no.  No, they  _couldn't_ go back to normal, not because of anything Remus had done, but because Sirius had fucked it all up by liking him, by mistaking acting for something real.  Come to think of it, maybe it  _was_ something Remus had done: being so damn easy to fall for.

"It's not your  _fault_ ," he said, blinking back furious tears.  "Merlin's sake, Moony, you're bloody brilliant.  I was - I was being an idiot.  And you've been -" 

The last words didn't quite make it out of his mouth, but Remus gave a quick nod like he understood.  "I missed you, Pads," he said.

That simple sentence nearly tore down all Sirius' defenses.  "It's this bloody house," he croaked when he was able to speak again.  "Worst place I've ever been."

Remus laughed, a delicate sound even worse than the "I missed you".  He seemed almost lighter somehow, his posture relaxed and hands still again.  "You know, I think I will wear these after all."

"Excellent," Sirius said.  He allowed himself to rest a light hand on Remus' shoulder.  "I think they'll look good on you."

***

Sirius waited, half nervous and half impatient, outside Remus' room, tugging at the collar of his dress robes.  He leaned over and put his ear to the door.  "What the hell's taking so long?"

"Nothing," came the expected reply.  "I'm just - I'm having some second thoughts about this."

That, too, was to be expected, and Sirius tried not to let it irritate him too much.  "Well, come out so I can pass judgement."

He heard a huff from the other side of the door.  "That's really not encouraging."

"You know what I  _mean_ .  Come on, I want to see how you look."

The door creaked open and Remus emerged, fiddling with his cuffs again.  As they had originally been intended for Sirius, the robes were a bit short for him, but the brightness of the blue brought some color into his normally pale face.  The gold gave him a bit of extra shimmer, which Sirius always appreciated, and made the sparkle in his eyes that much brighter.  The fabric rustled with his movements, and even with the awkwardness of his posture, he seemed almost to glide along the hall.  In sum, he looked like a present under a tree, like the embodiment of Christmas, like the greatest thing ever conceived by humankind, and Sirius' brain absolutely ceased to function.

"Well?" Remus asked, and Sirius suddenly knew he'd been staring for far too long.

"Passable," he said, then dodged when Remus tried to shove him.  "I'm only joking, Moony! You look fantastic, I swear!"

Remus looked away, and it was undeniable that he was blushing now.  But then, Sirius reasoned, he'd always been self-conscious.  "Thanks." His gaze returned to Sirius, and he made a funny noise, like a hippogriff being strangled.  "You look -"

Sirius spread his arms in a ta-da gesture, trying for a smile and finding it come rather easily than he'd expected.  He was wearing a set of pale pink robes with glittery magenta lining, which had been a middle-of-the-summer impulse buy he'd never had cause to regret.  "Spectacular, I know."

Remus cleared his throat.  "You  _do_ look like a spectacle."

"Oh, shut up." Sirius held out his arm to Remus, who took it.  His touch burned through Sirius' sleeve, grip tight.  To Sirius' surprise, they didn't clash nearly as badly as he'd thought they might.  "Ready to face the mob?"

Remus offered him a half smile, which was still enough to make Sirius' heart skip a beat.  "Anything."

Together, they began to descend the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it had to be done. If you liked it, stick around for the next chapter and leave your thoughts in the comment section!


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